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June 4, 2021

It’s Been a Long Time…

by Jae Kay Raz

…Since a rock and roll, or anything really, 363 days to be exact.  There were probably a handful of hearty and inspiring souls who lost a significant amount of weight, mastered a foreign language, and/or split atoms in their basement in keeping with a powerful desire to enrich themselves during COVID lockdowns. I am not one of those people, unfortunately. For one thing, as a nurse, I never stopped working. 2020 was the best earnings year I have had by a mile. I work into on a specialty unit, so I also did not care for many COVID patients. I would not say that I sank into the depths of depression as a result of the pandemic, lockdowns, racial tensions,or political madness. If anything, 2020 was kind of disorienting for me personally and weighty, like a weighted blanket. The events of last year served to punctuate or heighten emotional experiences I was already having.

I am not going to dive into too many personal details here, not because I don’t want to share them. The great thing about maintaining a personal blog that five people read is that I can do whatever the heck I want with it. Astrology is most interesting when viewed from a macrocosmic level; when you can use it as a tool to examine the inter-workings and connectivity of everything, the way you would watch with fascintation as all the tiny parts move in an intricately constructed mechanical city, a bit like the opening sequence to Game of Thrones, but even more elaborate.

With that said, astrology has always been personal to me and I have used this tool to examine the people around me since I first started studying it. The mechanical city does not animate itself. Humans animate it. Even the natural world, with its own ebb and flow, with its own movements and machinations, suddenly becomes shockingly alive and compelling when humans enter the picture and alter it from its natural state. I do not really balk at sharing my own personal tale of how I impact my environment, I am just not sure yet how I want to do that, or if I need to do it. There are nearly 10 billion COVID/2020 stories bursting at the seams of the planets, some with more detail and distinction than others.

I also did not feel the need to add more astrological commentary to the treasure trove that is out there. We all know last year sucked and we all know why. Most reasonable astrologers knew last year would be tough. Most had no concept of how much it would suck. Even the doom and gloomers didn’t really know, as far as I am concerned, because they predict doom and gloom all the time. Eventually, if an astrologer makes those predictions enough, something will stick. And then there are some hopeless Jupiterians out there, such as myself, who thought it might not be so bad. I am not a positivity at all costs kind of person. There are some folks in the astrological community who refuse to acknowledge the pain, suffering and misfortune that can be explained by astrological indicators. If you made it through 2020 with that viewpoint intact, you are lying to yourself, which is much less troubling than the fact that you lie to people for a living. In fact, denying the darker side of human nature and experience is as spiritually damaging as dwelling on it.

(Gemini cat for Gemini season. Happy birthday, Gemini!)

So, instead of contemplating the past year and a half, I am going to address where I am today and where I am astrologically. I have not actually visited this site in a while. I usually just engage with the stats page on my phone app. I definitely have some work to do to spruce up this site. I thought I would be clever when I first started this and give it a bit of a sci-fi theme, but discovered soon after that I hated that idea. At some point, I have to dive back into the page layouts to correct that. Almost every post I have written here has been a first-draft, so nearly all of them could stand a substantial rework. I probably will not do that with the various ingress charts, but I do think Steve Irwin and Chernobyl deserve some thoughful reconsideration.

What I realized for myself, astrologically and even personally, as a woman and astrologer, who is also slightly right-of-center and a Christian, who strives for rationality and believes in objective reality, is that there is simply no place for me in the heart of the astrological community. I know it sounds arrogant to suggest that I believe in rationality and objectivity, because it implies that others do not. However, rationality and objectivity are not the core values of  21st century liberal arts academic and spiritualists. I basically knew back in 2001, when I joined various MSN astrology groups and had just converted to Christianity in May 2000, that the group of people I would appeal to intellectually or spiriually was extremely narrow. I am a bit of an acquired taste anyway, by virtue of my personality, so even I get a bit frustrated with myself when I come to a conclusion that makes human interaction even more difficult. “Really Jenn, do you have to be this fucking weird?”

I really enjoyed listening to the Astrology Podcast segment featuring Melanie Reinhart, which was published last September. Ms. Reinhart spearheaded astrological work on Chiron, and I could relate to what she said. One of the key manifestations of Chiron is that it symbolizes the way in which we are wounded or wound others, so the place in your chart where Chiron is speaks to that. Chiron is placed in my 11th house with a tight conjuntion to Venus in Aries. I have always struggled socially and existed at the periphery of society. I would not cast myself as an outlaw or a pariah, because I do not tend to be a law breaker, other than on a minor level, and have consistently contributed to society. I have never excelled socially in anyway, other than when I am teaching others. This has been a personal struggle for me, because I have always wanted to be more popular. I guess in some ways, the desires you have when you are 10 and when you are 46 are not dissimilar. I find myself still asking myself why the cool girls don’t like me. One of the problems with Venus in her detriment, is that she tends to focus on what unobtainable things at the expense of the things around her which could nourish her.

Another Astrology Podcast I am reminded of when I consider this issue is the Alan White interview, which was posted in April of 2020 (guess I accomplished more in 2020 than I thought.:) Alan stated with regards to sect that the your in-sect planets bring forth the issues you should concentrate on in this life: your out-of-sect planets tend to be a distraction. I was born with a day chart and my diurnal planets are not in terrible condition, particularly the Sun and Jupiter. Mercury fares extremely well in my chart.  My nocturnal planets are in rather poor condition, Venus being one of them. In keeping with this, I function best in a professional setting and academically, but I tend to focus on what I don’t have or can’t have, at the expense of what works well. We probably all do this to an extent, but for me, the line of demarcation is distinct. I don’t know that one has to sacrifice one for the other, but probably one will find ways to fulfill the out-of-sect needs by focusing on in-sect topics.

Any fantasies I have had about going to astrology conferences and making tons of friends is something I have put on the back burner or something I have come to see as unrealistic. We don’t live on a planet that tolerates friendly discussion or debate. We don’t live in a world where people tolerate each other’s differences. I suppose like any condition, this is a cycle, which will eventually come around again. The average 2001 group was more likely exist in harmony despite differences than the average 2021 crowd. There isn’t much I can do as a comparitively moderate person to ameliorate this condition, at least not directly. All the anger and chaos really stresses me out anyway, so I don’t really have the stomach for participating in it. I have always suffered from a mild form of social anxiety anyway, and that is when conditions are optimal. But I also love astrology. Just looking back at the podcasts I have listened to in the past rekindles that for me. I also enjoy people and am endlessly fascinated by the human condition and how we impact the physical world. I am beginning to see that our only hope is a spiritual solution, and I am not sure we are any closer to that as a species than we ever have been.

I guess that is where the lesson and the next path begins. It is easy to feel sorry for one’s self. I have certainly spent some serious time lamenting my own personal problems and pain. My own sanity and sobriety have suffered because of it. But if the only answer is spiritual, and true spiritual awareness or growth can only occur by being completely honest to start, then it is time to do that. Interestingly, Neptune is transitting my Sun within minutes, and Mercury is also sitting directly on my ascendant.

Of course, Pisces, Gemini and Neptune are not associated with honesty, but I tend to think there is a modern bent to that theory. It has been my personal experience that all people deceive others or themselves for different reasons. Various astrological conditions speak to how and why. Gemini may deceive by being playful or looking at simple human interaction as a game. My brother and I both have a Gemini Ascendant. His is in the first decan and mine is in the last. I have noticed that when we go too deep into a topic, he generally retreats by making a joke. There is not a lie in that, but definitely an lack of willingness to delve past a certain point. I would not describe my brother as a dishonest person, but using humor or word play is definitely one way that the average Gemini can be dishonest. The really dark Geminis, the criminal types that people write books about, view everything as a game that has to be won, and no tactics are off-limits.

A Pisces may be deceptive simply because the lines of reality are a bit nebulous to begin with for them. Gemini and Pisces both see all sides of an issue, but Pisces struggles more with where the boundaries are. Pisces also tends to exists at least part of the time in a well constucted fantasy world, kind of an extension of Jupiterian optimism. That world feels good until Pisces can’t ignore the intrusion of reality any longer and may use substances to keep themselves in the state of oblivious euphoria experienced in the past. Sadly, Pisces will steadily hurtle towards an oblivion completely devoid of any wisdom or pleasure. Possibly another aspect of the great lie is that Pisces will blame the cold hand of reality and continue to sink further into despair, not being willing to admit that spiritual achievement exists in the reconciliation of worlds. I know I sound a lot more like a modern astrologer there. I will say that modern and classical astrology are two more worlds requiring reconciliation. Too many modern astrologers have worked too hard to be categorically wrong.

I find myself at this time really peeling away at anything that is not sustainable, including aspirations and acquiatances. It is not to say that I will not expand my relationship base or activities in the future, but I find that I need to start from scratch in a way. In terms of health, that means getting sober and practicing basic physical fitness. Socially, that means focusing on the handful of relationships I do have which are most meaningful. As a process of reaching middle age, sorting out who I thought I was and what I thought the world would be versus what it really is, and proceed forward. I knew 20 years ago where I fit in certain areas of life, including the astrological community, and have spent 20 years pointlessly fighting against it. Pisces is good at denying what is in the hopes of what it could be. There is nothing wrong with dreams, goals, or hope, but there is a limit to how far they will carry you without evidence or action.

I could write more about this, but my plans for the rest of the day include going to the gym, going to a meeting and watching a Yankee game with my Dad, hitting all the essential goals I have set for myself. When I started this, Moon in Aries was sitting right on my natal Moon. So we have full big three activation here. For the 5 people reading this, I promise to be a bit less self centered in future posts:)


Read more from 2021, Personal Log

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